Chapter 12 - I had seen the signs
The hardest evidence against me came from my own memory.
Three weeks before the incident, Noah had said:
“I hate the dog place.”
I thought he meant the muddy area near the shed.
I said:
“Then don’t play there.”
Two weeks before:
“Vanessa says I need resets.”
I asked:
“What’s a reset?”
He shrugged.
“Outside.”
I was late for a call.
I said:
“Okay, buddy.”
One week before:
He cried when Vanessa said she would take him into the backyard after dinner.
I laughed.
“Since when do you hate outside?”
He said:
“Not with her.”
I looked at Vanessa.
She rolled her eyes.
“He’s mad because I make him clean up.”
I accepted.
Why?
Because I wanted the marriage to work.
Because I trusted her.
Because admitting Noah was afraid of her would require action.
Because Mara had been dead less than two years and I wanted desperately to prove our household could become stable again.
None of those made me responsible for Vanessa putting him in a cage.
They explained why I missed openings Noah had already given me.
His therapist later said:
“Do not convert missed clues into a fantasy that you should have known everything.”
“I should have asked more.”
“Yes.”
Both.
I made a new rule for myself.
When Noah used an unfamiliar phrase about discipline—
reset
quiet place
special rule—
I would ask what it meant.
Not interrogate.
Ask.
Parents do not need omniscience.
May you like
They need curiosity.
I had not been curious enough.
